2003-04-03 - 6:15 p.m.

To those we left behind. I stood outside

in the thunder today. You would have been proud. Maybe I didn't do it because I wanted to but I did it none the less. I left that house for the almost last time today. I walked in and out of the rooms and softly cried in my head as i cleaned and mopped. Then when I go back tonight I will stand in the middle of the house and scream. I will scream for you and for me, and i will listen to my scream echo throughout the empty house. As empty as it's always been, but now I'll be able to hear the echo.

No more sounds of your laughter, soft moans, singing, swearing, running, it will just be a house. No more imaginary glimpes of you in the mirror, no more false starts at the rements of the smells you left behind. No more you.

That's what I have to remember, no more you, ever.

Maybe someday I'll smile about all this. maybe, but i doubt it.

It's like a deep gash that will never quite heal.

It's snowing in April. is that natural? probably. It's snowing inside my own personal hell, and outside. In april.

Today is the coldest day of my life.

Coldest day ever. except when you won;t call me on my birthday, except on that day when you will deny the last thing I'll ever request of you. That will be my coldest day ever. But for now it's today.

Babby it's cold outside.

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