2003-04-02 - 5:40 p.m.

I got broke last night. Or i already was broke, which I am more inclined to trust. I hate feeling this way. I haven't broken down like that in a really long time. I didn't feel good, It never feels good. I hate it, and I refuse to do it again. I am a rock, not a rock needer, I am much more comfertable in that position than any other. It makes me feel useful and good, the other does not. I refuse to crack again. I downright fucking refuse.

It's raining and I really wanted to go hiking but now I can't because it will piss me off. Fuck you April you suck. So here I"ll sit and watch a movie, and you know what I think that's alright with me. I'll have monster with me and she'll probably be happy to watch a movie. Bmana went to work and that sucks but, at least there not both so distracted that they can work. Good for them I was I could do that. no matter where I am he's always there, and it becomes inmpossible to concentrate.

I went shopping and spent a bunch of money on clothes i'll probably never wear more than once. oh well it made me and bmana feel better. I really should go back to the house and clean, but I can't bear the thought. I hate cleaning and more than that I hate that joyless soul sucking house.

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