2003-04-01 - 5:35 p.m.

I have really bad cramps, and no one cares and you know what that's okay because it shouldn't matter to anyone but me. I have done nothing today due to my cramps, and you know what i don't give a fuck. I'm so sick of cleaning out that house. I'm so sick of all of it. I can't be in that house. everytime i close my eyes there's a flash of a memory, a part of me that wants to stay sitting there in the middle of floor, in the dark. Listening to other sounds that used to be there, Mike laughing, mike singing in the shower, mike making love to me on the couch, being with mike. I'm so sick of this. I don't understand how you can promise me the world, call me your angel, ask me to marry you, tell me you love me forever and always and then take it away.

HOw can you take that away from me when I gave it to you. It took me awhile to get there but when I did I gave, I love you I can't change that and I will never be able to change that. I love you and I don't hate that I do. I don't hate you. I want to hate you but I don't, I can't, and I never will be able to, and that's my life like it or not.

But one thing I do know in a weird way is that I don't need you. I want you but I don't need. I will never be dependant on another person again ever. Thank you mike for at least leaving me with that.

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