2013-02-16 - 11:51 p.m.

Letter to you,

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't relize that you were so bitter about us. Yes I look at your diary yes it's pure torture. I talked to stephanie today she told me she ran to you and you guys talked about us. That really hurt to know that you would tell someone you disliked more about what you were feeling than you would tell me while we were dating. I just wanted to be around you. Just to be near you. I would give my soul to sit and watch you smoke and listen to you talk. I miss you more everyday. I can't help it. I wish I could. but I can't. I'm broken. I'm a ruin. I can laugh and cry and forget that I am making myself forget you, but I always remember. I read back through This diary the other day, and I could see where I knew that things were going to hell. but I always knew that I would be the one most hurt by this. this is so hard. Not hard to except hard to remember how to feel again. I miss you. I miss you for no good reason other than I love you and I'm not even sure why I do that. Not just because you were good to me but because your you. I want you more than I have ever wanted anything else. you avoid me at all costs. I was crying today. I didn't think I had any tears left. I didn't think that I could drain any more from my body. I did, I do. I'm sorry for whatever wrong I committed to you. I'm sorry for whatever makes you feel so horribly about me. But I shouldn't be apoloiging for things I can't even begin to understand. I shouldn't and I know It. This isn't about self-esteem this is about always wanting to be near you because of the wonderful way you make me feel. made me feel. I'm in ruin over you. I can't beliive I feel this way. I'm so upset. I don't even have the words for exactly how I feel. I just want to talk to you to make it better. I just need you to be my friend, which you promised and I know won't happen because it's juvenile to think so. You avoid me. I shake around you. I'd scream but my voice is weak. I don't know if I can even end this letter. I don't know how. I just don't know. It sould just be a matter of getting over you, but it's really a matter of getting past you. I never throw anything away but you already knew that. I can't I don't think it's the right thing to do. I try not to talk about you. If I do it's only to myself. Someday you will be telling some other girl about me, just like you told me about the ones that came before me. I;m afraid you'll say horrible things about me. I'm sorry your bitter. we should have talked. we should have. but were both to stubborn to listen. to really hear. I'm cold in bed at night. every sound this old house makes at night i really hear. I hear it now that i don't hear you steady breath next to me. I know all those sounds by heart. I lay there and think about anything else so I won't think about you. How to end this I do not know. How to stop this merry-go-round. how?

previous - next